IF YOU ARE IN A DANGEROUS SITUATION OR NEED HELP PLEASE CONTACT
THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC HOTLINE AT 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
What is Domestic Violence?
Types of Abuse
Resources for Domestic Violence information
Helpful Books
The U.S. Department of Justice’s Office on Violence Against Women Domestic Violence (https://www.justice.gov/ovw/domestic-violence) describes Domestic violence as “a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner.”
Domestic violence isn’t always easy to spot and doesn’t always come with bruises or black eyes.
Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological, technological, reproductive coercion, and the list goes on.
It can happen to anyone. Anyone can be a victim of domestic violence, regardless of age, race, gender, sexual orientation, faith or class.
It can occur within a range of relationships including couples who are married, living together or dating.
Darlene once said death resulted from her finally leaving her domestic violence relationship, the death of her daughter.
In January she said, “I am the result of a worst-case scenario situation.”
Death isn’t always the final result, but domestic violence-related homicides increased by 200% during the pandemic.
EMOTIONAL ABUSE
Emotional abuse occurs when an intimate partner seeks to control his/her loved one by:
Name calling, insulting
Blaming the partner for everything
Extreme jealousy
Intimidation
Shaming, humiliating
Isolation
Controlling what the partner does and where the partner goes
Stalking
PHYSICAL ABUSE
Hitting, slapping, punching, kicking
Burning
Strangulation
Damaging personal property
Refusing medical care and/or controlling medication
Coercing partner into substance abuse
Use of weapons
SEXUAL ABUSE
Sexual abuse is not about sex. It is about power, and includes any sexual behavior performed without a partner’s consent. Examples include:
Forcing a partner to have sex with other people (human trafficking)
Pursuing sexual activity when the victim is not fully conscious or is afraid to say no
Hurting partner physically during sex
Coercing partner to have sex without protection / sabotaging birth control
TECHNOLOGICAL ABUSE
This form of abuse includes the use of technology to control and stalk a partner. Technological abuse can happen to people of all ages, but it is more common among teenagers who use technology and social media in interact in a manner often unmonitored by adults. Examples include:
Hacking into a partner’s email and personal accounts
Using tracking devices in a partner’s cell phone to monitor their location, phone calls and messages
Monitoring interactions via social media
Demanding to know partner’s passwords
FINANCIAL ABUSE
Any behavior that maintains power and control over finances constitutes financial abuse. Examples include causing a partner to lose their job through direct and indirect means, such as:
Inflicting physical harm or injury that would prevent the person from attending work
Harassing partner at their workplace
Controlling financial assets and effectively putting partner on an allowance
Damaging a partner’s credit score
ABUSE BY IMMIGRATION STATUS
There are specific tactics of abuse that may be used against immigrant partners, including:
Destroying immigration papers
Restricting partner from learning English
Threatening to hurt partner’s family in their home country
Threatening to have partner deported
POWER and CONTROL WHEEL
The wheel diagram serves as tactics abusive partners use to keep survivors in a relationship.
https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/
USING INTIMIDATION
Making her afraid by using looks, actions, gestures
Smashing things
Destroying her property
Abusing pets
Displaying weapons
USING EMOTIONAL ABUSE
Putting her down
Making her feel bad about herself
Calling her names
Making her think she is crazy
Playing mind games
Humiliating her
Making her feel guilty
USING ISOLATION
Controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to, what she reads, where she goes
Limiting her outside involvement
Using jealousy to justify actions
MINIMIZING, DENYING AND BLAMING
Making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns about it seriously
Saying the abuse didn’t happen
Shifting responsibility for the abusive behavior
Saying she caused
USING CHILDREN
Making her feel guilty about the children
Using the children to relay messages
Using visitation to harass her
Threatening to take the children away
USING MALE PRIVILEGE
Treating her like a servant
Making all the big decisions
Acting like the “master of the castle”
Being the one to define men’s and women’s roles
USING ECONOMIC ABUSE
Preventing her from getting or keeping a job
Making her ask for money
Giving her an allowance
Taking her money
Not letting her know about or have access to family income
USING COERCION AND THREATS
Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt her
Threatening to leave her, to commit suicide, to report her to welfare
Making her drop charges
Making her do illegal things
CYCLE of ABUSE
The cycle of abuse suggests that there are four phases of abusive behavior.
1. The First Phase: Tension Building
The cycle begins with tension building, creating fear in the victim. This tension might come from stress related to everyday events like work, family conflict or financial problems. It could also come from bigger events like illness and catastrophic events. It’s important to note that most people can cope with stressors like these without taking it out on others–the abuser is just using these events as an excuse to justify their actions.
Victims might try to placate the abuser and avoid the next phase of violence by becoming submissive or extra helpful. Other victims might try to provoke the abuser into the violence they both know is coming; this can be a survival strategy to lessen the impact of the abuse, have control of where and when it happens or just to “get it over with.”
2. The Second Phase: Incident
Next, there is an incident. This may be the abuser lashing out with physical, verbal, emotional or psychological abuse such as hitting, slapping, strangling, belittling, name-calling, screaming or yelling and threatening.
While the entire Cycle of Abuse is a method abusers use to exert power and control over their victim, the incident phase is often a particularly frightening and dangerous time of the abuser trying to dominate the victim.
3. The Third Phase: Reconciliation
The third phase of the Cycle of Abuse is the “reconciliation” phase, though it could also be called “the excuse stage.” During this phase, the abuser might apologize for their behavior, try to excuse it (“I’m just stressed because of work.”) or blame it on the victim and falsely put the impetus on the victim to avoid it happening again (“Don’t make me so angry.”)
Gaslighting is often common during this phase, as the abuser denies that anything happened or that the incident wasn’t abuse.
4. The Fourth Phase: Calm
Finally, the final stage–calm. The incident has been forgiven and, for a while, things seem back to normal or even better than before. Survivors sometimes refer to this as "the honeymoon stage." Sometimes abusers will use love-bombing to “make up for” the abuse, though this further manipulation is actually designed to keep the victim off-guard and remaining with the abuser.
However, the calmness of this phase doesn’t last. Eventually, tension begins to build again. The abuser’s apologies and promises become insincere or vanish entirely. Before long, another abusive incident occurs.
Escalation and the Cycle of Abuse
The length of the cycle usually diminishes over time, bringing abusive incidents closer and closer together. The “reconciliation” and “calm” stages can disappear completely, leaving only tension that builds quickly into violence.
https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-is-the-cycle-of-abuse
DomesticShelters.org https://www.domesticshelters.org/
The Am I Experiencing Abuse tab https://www.domesticshelters.org/common-questions/am-i-experiencing-abuse is a great place to start. They have a toolkit providing information to help you determine if you’re experiencing domestic violence/abuse.
Safe Passage, Inc. https://safepassageinc.org/
DV 101 page: https://safepassageinc.org/other-resources
National Domestic Violence Hotline https://www.thehotline.org/what-to-expect-when-you-contact-us/
Domestic Violence Hotline
After Silence https://aftersilence.org/
Help victims become survivors and to communicate in the recovery of domestic and sexual violence
Love is Respect https://www.loveisrespect.org/
National Teen Dating Helpine
Bringing in The Bystander https://www.soteriasolutions.org/bringing-in-the-bystander
‘Safe Passage’ adopted this curriculum a few years ago. It is designed for middle, high school, and college students and has strong strategic elements with an emphasis on actions that can be taken to avoid sexual violence. There is a program called Green Dot which is a comprehensive violence.
When Love Goes Wrong: What to Do When You Can't Do Anything Right https://www.amazon.com/When-Love-Goes-Wrong-Anything/dp/0060923695?SubscriptionId=AKIAIDSH4AZVSII2ZBNQ&tag=domesticshelt-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=0060923695
The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Expanded Third Edition: How to recognize it and how to respond https://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Expanded-Edition/dp/1440504636?SubscriptionId=AKIAIDSH4AZVSII2ZBNQ&tag=domesticshelt-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=1440504636
No Visible Wounds: Identifying Non-Physical Abuse of Women by Their Men https://www.amazon.com/No-Visible-Wounds-Identifying-Non-Physical/dp/0449910792?SubscriptionId=AKIAIDSH4AZVSII2ZBNQ&tag=domesticshelt-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=0449910792
Stop Signs: Recognizing, Avoiding, and Escaping Abusive Relationships https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Signs-Recognizing-Avoiding-Relationships/dp/1580053874?SubscriptionId=AKIAIDSH4AZVSII2ZBNQ&tag=domesticshelt-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=1580053874
30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics: How Manipulators Take Control In Personal Relationships https://www.amazon.com/Covert-Emotional-Manipulation-Tactics-Relationships-ebook/dp/B00PCVJGFW?SubscriptionId=AKIAIDSH4AZVSII2ZBNQ&tag=domesticshelt-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=B00PCVJGFW
In Love and In Danger: A Teen's Guide to Breaking Free of Abusive Relationships https://www.amazon.com/In-Love-Danger-Breaking-Relationships/dp/1580051871?SubscriptionId=AKIAIDSH4AZVSII2ZBNQ&tag=domesticshelt-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=1580051871